Ex # 5

Ok I said I would get back to this so I am.....

I met Jeremy while I was dating Matt and as I said in the Ex #4 post, that it just wasn't working anymore. He was kind or rude and not very nice to me, and I wasn't so nice anymore either, and that's the time you call it quits I guess.

But that's not exactly true, see because when I was hanging out with my brother and his friends and I met Jeremy, I was interested in him. I wanted to see where that was going so I used the fact that things weren't perfect between us as an excuse to break up instead of ignoring the feelings for Jeremy. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time. Matt was a better fit for me than Jeremy, I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't explored it though.

Ok, so I was then not dating Matt and instead dating Jeremy.

But it always came back to Tom.....Jeremy knew that, and he mentioned it many times, he knew that it Tom showed up and wanted me back, he I would go with him. I always said this wasn't, but I know now that it was true then.

Ironically that summer I had all my friends from high school over for a party. Tom was there and he met Jeremy. Tom took me aside and asked me what I was doing with this guy, he wasn't right for me. Which was true, I just didn't know it at the time. All I could say was that he just didn't know him.

At the time I was severly depressed. I had a lot of things that I needed to come to terms with and at the time, ignoring them was a lot easier than facing them. All of that I believe would be suited for a different post, I'll go into that another time.

I liked Jeremy because he was smart, funny, and basically brilliant. He still is. I just don't think he knew it all the time. He eventually moved in with my brother and I. Big mistake. I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me. I thought it was perfectly normal that he wanted his own room. That way I could say, see parents, we aren't living together, his room is down the hall. (It was the time I was still going to church.) I told myself that he did love me and the reason that he wanted his own room or to be away from me so much was his artistic temperament. He's a writer. I told myself I should be alone alot too because I wanted to write myself.

So there I was, in over my head and so adult, I lived with my boyfriend, juggling him, and school and a job. Not really so great, I was really messed up.

We had sex before he moved in so I thought he really must love me, he had sex with me. No it wasn't ground-breaking but I thought it was alright, I'd never had sex before. I didn't know any better. He wanted to leave right away, said he had to get up early for work. So I was going to sleep and he was going home. I got up to use the restroom and heard him downstairs, this was about an hour later. He was chatting away with my brother. Had to get up early? Whatever, I wasn't mad, I just figured another artist thing.

Anyway, sex was never great between us. This is no reflection on him, we just weren't compatable there.

Anyway, both of us were to blame for the split, but he was just him being himself which wasn't what I needed. And I treated him like shit because I simply wasn't happy with myself.

My older sister tried to help me to not be so unhappy. She used to invite me down to stay with her and her husband. They lived just outside Columbus, Indiana. We never had heart to heart talks or anything, she never tried to talk about anything with me. She just tried to be there for me. Which I appreciated. But I couldn't talk to anyone about me. Pretty much I felt shame. I knew the relationship was not right. I didn't regret having sex the first time. There were however times when I was working a lot, and still going to school, and I would come home really late like at 3 or 4 in the morning and I would breath a sigh of releif to see his light off. Then I would get in the house and he would get up and want to have sex, and I would do it, I thought if I didn't he wouldn't want me. That's where the shame comes in. I know now that this was stupid and I would never do this again with anyone. I don't know that he would have dumped me for not having sex with me and that's not the point, I beleived he would, I wasn't right with me. I couldn't talk about this with my sister. I thought she had it all. She had the house, two cars and a husband, how could I ever talk about it with her? How could she ever understand what I was going through.

So he moved out and we haven't really been friends since. I know now we shouldn't have dated. I don't regret it, this was a lesson I needed to learn. I learned alot about myself and had I not done this I wouldn't have seen the things I needed to do to make things right for myself in my life. But he's still brilliant, just not for me.