What, me worry?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


I guess I've been thinking too much lately. Because I get asked so many questions. Like what are you doing with your life? Why aren't you married yet? When are you going to marry Jeff? When are you going to have kids? The first, I don't have a clue, I just play it by ear. The rest, what like it's my fault. But people ask because siblings are doing these things.

Honestly these questions just bum me out. It's not like I don't want any of these things. I don't want them right now. I'm not really in a place where these things would be convenient. Not that I think that they would be easier if I was completely debt free. Why I'm not is Jeff doesn't want to.

To understand why Jeff doesn't want to you have to know a little more about his background. He's an only child. When he grew up and got married. His father bankrupted the family not telling anyone they were in trouble, not even his wife. So you can imagine her surprise when the repo guys showed up and then they lost the house. So Jeff came back from West Lafayette to save the day. Got them an apartment and enrolled in IUPUI. (I'm not sure he technically got to graduate from Purdue. That part is murky. My mind is teaming with useless facts sometimes important info just falls out. But he may have had to grad from IU. Bummer for him.) Anyway, He got married and he and his wife lived with the parents. He and his wife were building a house. You know, you get married and start a life, they never did that. He always had his parents in tow. He and his wife moved downtown when the house was done and his parents moved into the house, and never left.

Ok, so Jeff was living the good life married, not living with his parents, they were in his house but taken care of. Then he gets blindsided by his wife. She told him something like, she didn't love him, never did, It wasn't her that married her, she didn't know herself and never would while they were still married. Sorry that's just a cruel thing to say even after she put up with his mom.

His ex-wife is a whole different issue, after everything I've heard about her, I can't even understand why he married her. I met her a few times when they were married. Jeff is the cousin of my sister Jennifer's Ex-husband David. She used to work at the I-Max and could get us in. I thought she was kind of self-involved. Not a single account of her has led me to think otherwise.
She's the reason he doesn't want to get married again. Imagine having the hopes and dreams of a newly-wed to be planning children, to watch your family grow and then to have someone just take that away. What because she didn't know who she was? If she didn't know that she shouldn't have gotten married. Just when he thought they were planning to have kids she left him.

So there he was, divorced and still taking care of his parents. He had a rebound relationship and then Jennifer and her then husband set us up. Then they got divorced. That was 1999? I don't know the dates are fuzzy now. We bonded sharing notes of peculiar things we had witnessed between David and Deanna, their supposed friend to whom David is now married.

Things between us were progressing nicely, I thought anyway, silly me. I thought we might be moving in the direction of marriage. When it got to the point in our relationship that we should talk about it, I mentioned our living arrangements, how I thought I'd just stay where I was until he wanted to live together and maybe got married. I had no idea he'd already decided never to get married and to never have kids. Isn't that the kind of thing he should say up front? I just kind of let it go back then. I thought about it and they weren't something important to me at the time. I thought one day he might feel differently as I might as well.

Now he's been supporting his parents for nearly 20 years. Normal people would see what a drain they are to their child. He's not really living but he won't talk about it. They hold him back. I confess there was a time when I looked at the situation and felt really secure, like he'd take care of me like that. But more and more I don't think it will ever be like that. He'll never take care of me because he'll always have them. Unless they stand up and take care of themselves or die. Not that I want them dead, just to let him live.

If I broach the subject he shuts down. So what do I do? I think I know why he is the way he is but he won't come to terms with it and I can't do it for him. The thing that makes me sad is I know if I decide I'm ready for the marriage and kids thing, it most likely won't be with him, even if by some chance of fate I should get pregnant with his child, who wants to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married, or have a child with someone who doesn't want kids?

Anyway that's where I am now. I apologize for yet another incoherent post.


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