What, me worry?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Ex #2

Tom was my best friend. From the first time we met we had instant chemistry.
As time went on we became closer and closer. This was why I was cautious to begin a relationship with him when we were freshmen. We talked about it after we got together and we agreed that freshmen year was not a good time. We were not mature enough to handle what our relationship could potentially grow to be. So we remained friends only.
All through my relationship with Joe, Tom was the one I turned to when I needed a friendly ear, someone to talk too. He was always objective, despite the fact that he did still like me, he never told me to break up with Joe, he always advised that I try as hard as I could to work it out with Joe. He read every "poem" I wrote, including the stupid stuff I wrote in elementary school and would say, either, that was great, I can't wait for the next one, or that's fucked up, let's talk about why you feel that way. Joe didn't really get any of that stuff, didn't really seem interested in reading anything. Tom was pretty much, everything. He's the one I credit as my first BIG LOVE. I loved Joe, but not the same way, it was more a respect thing with Joe. With Tom, there was respect as well as a physical attraction. I had no physical attraction to Joe.
The relationship was uneventful. We went out alot. Tom was an excellent kisser.
Eventually though as things go, our individual emotional baggage was overwhelming. We talked about our personal stuff alot. We talked all the time. It started to get to him, I was such a mess. Most everyone went to him with their problems. He always knew just what to say. I think he thought my problems were too big. I wasn't in a place where I had come to understand my own situation, why my childhood sucked so bad. He knew I couldn't deal, he knew he could do nothing. Or maybe we just grew apart. I was very negative at the time, about myself. I saw no future for myself.
You see, when I was a freshman, my plan was to become a physical therapist one day. Then when I got old enough I could care for my sister, Joyce who would always need that sort of care. Then on Father's Day 1993, Joyce drowned in the family swimming pool. I was totally lost. I only wanted to do the physical therapy thing for her. So anyway, I saw a big, blank, a black hole....I just wanted it to end. And to be with Tom, but he wanted something else. He had his only problems wearing him down, he couldn't carry mine. That's what he said, he had to work on his head and get it cleared, then he would be ok for me again. He didn't say at the time that it was over forever...He gave me hope, the bastard. Oh well.... It happens. I never knew if actually he found another girl and didn't want to tell me. I didn't want to know that anyway. We didn't go all the way, if that was why he broke up with me, he should have just said something, I would have...
After we broke up, we remained friends. He used the same tactic that I used, the distance thing, giving space. It didn't suck. For a long time I wished he had died because it broke my heart that he'd still be alive and not want to be with me.

Friday, August 26, 2005


I wanted to take a break from all the reminiscing so here goes.

I was riding in an elevator just the other day when it struck me kind of funny.
Today people try really hard to avoid having to talk to other people. Such as, pay for gas at the pump so you don't have to go inside and pay a clerk, self-check out lanes at many stores. Yet, we will stand in a hallway and wait for these big doors to open, cram a bunch of people in a tiny room when the doors open, and then ride up together while people get off at their floors, all the while not saying a word to one another. In fact the more people that get off, the further apart people will move. Person A ends up in one corner while person be winds up diagonally in the other corner. This allows the riders to be as far apart as possible.
The other silly thing is that many buildings are designed with the elevators bay being part of the hallway. If a person wants to get to the other end of the building, one must walk around all the people waiting for the elevator. It is much like an obstacle course at times. Also while waiting for the elevator people will stand there staring off into space, avoiding eye contact with all other people waiting, so as to avoid any human contact whatsoever.

The other thing I thought was so funny with avoidance is, we try so hard to do it yet we will go into a room and pull our pants down to use the restroom with nothing more dividing us than a partition. I thought of this many times using public restrooms. It's so funny. Also people seem to like to talk on their cell phones on the toilet. I never talk on the phone while I'm on the toilet. Well except that time I got a bloody nose for no apparent reason, maybe it was really dry around then, but I couldn't get it to stop! It bled for hours so I called my mom. It's kind of scary when all that blood is coming out and you can't stop it. Only I wasn't on the toilet I was leaning over it so I wouldn't get blood everywhere. I don't know why I thought of it. Also I see so many people that don't wash their hands after going to the restroom. YUCK! Why not avoid people, if you touch them you might get a disease because they don't practice proper hygiene.

Anyway, I'll post my next ex post this weekend.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Time Between

Shortly after things between Joe and I were finished, Tom and I discussed an incident that occured at McDonald's that put everything into perspective.
One day after school we went to McDonald's before some sort of band function. I asked Joe to go up to the counter to get something for me, I don't know what that's not important now. He did but he came back with an empty bag. Tom said that I deserved someone who would bring me what I wanted and not just the container it came in. It was such an epiphany. Guys will promise you the world but often come empty handed, sneaky, palms closed, untrustworthy. Whatever, it made sense then. I'm not materialistic, it's just a metaphor. Mostly I was tired of the same old thing, defending my friendships which I didn't feel needed to be defended.

I didn't get together with the next guy right away. I hung out with my friend Amy alot. We would go out with Tom and one of his friends. Mostly Ben A. at this point. Cause, Amy liked Ben. It was at this time I know Tom did still want to date me. He had dated another girl our sophomore year while I was with Joe. By his own admission he thought it would make me jealous. Didn't really work, she was one of my friends and he was a great guy, mostly I was happy for her, and him because she was a great girl. I don't really get jealous.

On one occasion during that summer, a friend named Mark was going away to Germany for the year so he had a party. He was a mutual friend of mine and Joe's, so Joe was there. Tom couldn't make it because he was on a family vacation so I went with Amy. During the party, I gave Joe his space. I didn't want to force anything, he might still be mad and what would a scene accomplish. I had nothing to say to him. I did say we could still be friends so not talking to him at the party really angered him. I didn't exactly ignore him, I just stayed away from him. On the way to the car, we walked past a swing set, the party was at a park, Joe was swinging with one of his friends. He said loudly something like, "Oh look, she won't even talk to me anymore! She said we'd still be friends!" It was very uncomfortable, but warranted, I felt anyway. He didn't understand my method, what I was doing was trying to give him space but he wanted to talk, about what? There was nothing to say. He clearly wasn't in the right mind to be civil, so I really said nothing, I just walked to the car. Amy tried to calm him down, I don't really know what she said to him but it worked, she was good at that. Tom was irritated that he hadn't been there I don't know why, I thought I handled it fine.

By the end of the summer, Tom and I were dating. This was cemented by the experience we had at band camp. Now get your minds out of the gutter, not all band camps are like that of "American Pie!" All during band camp I was ill with some sort of sickness that made me really really tired. I would get short of breath and unable to march. I got to ride in the gimp mobile. Which was just a van that the asthmatics and the dude who twisted his ankle, or something like that, rode back to the dorm in.
One night I went into shock. I got all the way to my room, with Ben and Amy helping me, and then I went down. The had to carry me back to the elevator and get me back down to the lobby. They laid me down on a bench just in time for the band to come in the building, and Tom kind of freaked out he was so scared, that's kind of sweet. They pulled the geek mobile around front and Amy and Ben rode with me to the hospital. Tom didn't go because Amy said he'd be to upset and upset me more. Anyway we sat around the waiting room in the er and found I had Bronchitis. Lot's of fun. It got me out of practice. So it was really late at night by the time we got back to the dorm. I called my Mom who was really upset. I think she cried. Weird. Then Ben and Amy took me to Tom's floor where he had waited all night by the elevator for me to come back. Then I went to bed.

After that the summer was pretty much over and we were dating. So stay tuned for that...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Ex # 1

I apologize for taking so long posting this. I've had stressful things going on in my home life lately.

My first boyfriend's name was Joe. (Not the Joe that sometimes comments on my blog from over at batteryboost, although he is one groovy guy.) By this time, I was a sophomore and he was a junior. We were both in our high school marching band. He was the Drum Major.

Looking back now, I think the biggest reason I went out with him was that he asked me. That sounds bad now, but at the time I didn't realize that. At the time I figured, he's a nice guy and he likes me and he was not my best friend so how can I ruin it. So we went out. The I don't remember many specific dates we went on. I remember in the beginning he didn't have a driver's license, but he had a learners permit so his dad would nap on the back seat while he drove.

Now, this year we had a brand new band director who wanted to take the band to another level, marching in competitions and such. The band was split in two, the juniors and seniors wanted the band to stay a party band and not to have to work so hard. They didn't like the new directors manner. Then you had the freshmen and sophomores who weren't as into the party band thing, we liked the idea of competition.

Joe was kind of weak minded in that he didn't know what to think, until a little bird we shall call Dora because that was her name, only she wasn't a bird, told him that the band director wasn't good and that he should hate him and he should hate me because I liked the new way. Our first fight was around the Cathedral open house that fall. The director, let's just call him Mr. H, ordered a new trombone to play so he'd have a better instrument. Joe said he just did it to suck up to him. Mr. H just wanted him to be happy and have a good instrument. Anyway somehow we got through that mess.

Another problem we had while dating was that he was incredibly jealous. My best friend was a guy in my class named Tom, the guy from my first date. I also had a lot of female friends I would talk to in the hallway between classes. Joe would only notice/mention when he saw me talking to guys, especially Tom. No matter how many times I told him that I was with him and with him only and all my male friends were just that, friends, he would always come back to that every time he saw me with them.
The frustrating thing is he had a lot of female friends that he sometimes seemed to let dictate what he did. Like one time, we were supposed to go out on a date, after he got his driver's license and his friend Dora didn't want us too, she wanted to get herself and a couple other friends together to hang out, just friends, no couples. This was just one of her many ploys to split us up because she just didn't like me. I don't know why, I think I posed a threat because I told him to think for himself.

As far as sex, we never did that, we kissed, he was an awful kisser. I didn't know that right then, I'd never kissed anyone but him, I was highly disappointed in kissing.

I lost count of how many times we broke up. Every time we broke up my friends would just say, yeah, but for how long this time? Every time I broke up with him, because I always broke up with him., it was because it was bad, he accused me of cheating or something like that. All I know is when we first got together, we smiled all the time, when it was over, it was hard and we never smiled. Every time we got back together, we smiled for a period, happy for a time. He said he would not be jealous and he always was.

One of the times after we broke up and we were on friendly terms. He came up to me while I was talking to Tom in the hall. Tom was telling me that the entire Star wars trilogy was playing back to back at General Cinema at Clearwater Crossing Friday night and did I want to go. Joe then got himself invited. My parents said I could go, but Joe's said no. After we got back together Joe accused me of going on a date with Tom while we were dating. I said, one, this was not a date, and two we were broken up just like in friends when Ross told Rachel: "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!" Only totally different because who knew if we were getting back together.

The final straw, the last time I broke up with him was when prom came around. I didn't want to go, I just naturally assumed that he would take me. He told me that his dad said I was too young to go to prom. So he decided to take his other friend. Without consulting me. I heard about the alternate date and the dad comment at the same time. So that was it. I later heard that his parents thought I was a bad influence. When I told another friend this, he just laughed and said he wondered what a good influence was then. I don't think his parents ever really liked me much. They were strange people, Joe would come to school and tell me how his dad said something about me and he got into a fight with him. Not an argument a fist fight. So at least he fought for me one time. Not with his friends, and not with me, just with his father who placed extremely high expectations on him.

He really was a good guy, we were just young. He let people tell him what to do and what to think. That's not who I wanted to be with and that was the whole problem.

Monday, August 08, 2005

First date

I've decided to share my dating experiences in a series of posts.

My first Date:
This is not the first time I was asked out, just the first time I didn't pretend that I hadn't heard the proposition. (that was a double negative, whoopsy!) In high school you do some weird things, I wasn't ready to date so yes, a couple times a guy asked me out and I kind of ignored it. When he asked me about it later I said I hadn't heard, but that's another post.

My first date was with a guy that I liked a lot, we had become really great friends, best friends even. He assumed we should take it to the next level and date, however, insecure me, blah blah blah, I thought it would ruin our friendship, and all the stuff like, why would he want to go out with me, I'll just ruin it, let's just be friends. I sabotaged the date even. I finally, after much coercing from my female friend, (she wanted to go out with his friend who didn't have a date and he would go out with her, would have been a total mercy date, she had no chance in hell with him.)I agreed to go. We were to go to the Christmas dance. Now, I had a dance phobia, dances sucked in jr high, why should high school be any different. I finally said, let's go see the movie "Alladin" instead. So we did. After that we didn't go out again but were just friends. I was too scared at the time that I would mess it all up. We did like the movie, nothing exciting happened on the date, we were 15 for goodness sake, just a movie and dinner.

Anyway, that was my first date. I'll get my first ex-boyfriend up in a day or two.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Sorry about the quality of my camera...

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Work Out!

I'm very proud of myself, I have been constantly bothered by the fact that it has been so difficult for me to loose weight. So finally, instead of wondering why, I have taken action. Monday when I got home from work I dragged out my Nordic-Track and put it some place accessible and now I plan to use it every morning when I wake up. I may need some encouragement because I'm lazy and easily discouraged. Don't get me wrong, I do not now nor have I ever seen myself as fat, but I am out of shape. This is the biggest reason. I need to nip this in the bud before I cross over to the other side, the fat side. So yeah me for not sitting back and doing nothing, yet again.